


Two Bullets

by gin_eater



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Aggressively Southern idioms, Dialogue-Only, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Unspecified Setting, Unspecified Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-09 20:24:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19483345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gin_eater/pseuds/gin_eater
Summary: Ashe and McCree bicker like the old marrieds they've always been and are newly gonna be.





	Two Bullets

**Author's Note:**

> I put on my Honky Shit playlist to plot out something else, and then these two showed up and started yammering back and forth. Maybe they're curled up on a couch, maybe they're spooned at the edge of a cliff with legs dangling off, blanketed up and passing a bottle of whiskey back and forth idk. However you please.

"Elizabeth Caledonia McCree. It's got a real pretty sound to it."

"The fuck it does. If you don't sign your name Jesse Ulysses Ashe on that marriage license, I'm leavin' your ass at the altar."

"Darlin', I love you, but that dog won't hunt. The snaky sibilants of my first two names require the _crack_ at the end of the third for their full bullwhip-like effectiveness."

"Christ, is that how you lost the arm, pattin' yourself on the back so hard it plumb fell off?"

"Says the gal demandin' I take her name while she wants me to lay flowers over mine."

"Well I'll tell you right now, we are _not_ doin' that pretentious horseshit with the hyphens. Shit really grinds my grits."

"Agreed."

"And I ain't vowin' to obey you, either, so you best get any foolish notions you may have about that--"

"Damnation, woman, you think I don't know who I signed up for when I popped the question? You and me, come hell or high water, two to a mule or in tall cotton, givin' you half for as long as I got a biscuit! That's it! That's all I want!"

"...'Signed up for.' Like you're fixin' to head into a war."

"And? Ain't a one that's killed me yet, includin' you."

" _Yet._ "

"Besides, you did slap me before you said yes."

"Hey, I apologized for that! You caught me off guard, was all -- though now I might slap you before I say I do, too, just for consistency's sake."

"I'll be sure to rent a helmet alongside my tux."

"If it clashes with my dress, make sure you rent a cup, too."

"Goddamn, you're a pain in the ass."

"Till death do us part, sweet cheeks."

"Oh, I think not, honeysuckle. I will haunt your ornery ass till kingdom come, just to rip your britches every time you get a new pair."

"Like you don't already. Maybe I'll die first, just outta spite. Leave you wanderin' lonesome, a loveless, desolate shell of a man the rest of your days."

"Long as you promise to be there on the other side of my last one."

"Hm. I suppose I _might_ could be inclined to meet you at the rusty Gates o' Hell -- _if_ I can be spared a minute from my responsibilities as its queen."

"Oh, I'd be much obliged, your majesty, much obliged indeed."

"You know, all foolin' aside, I always half figured we'd end up doin' for each other -- you in black and me in white, _bang, bang._ "

"Poetic, but if I had my druthers, we'd go out the same way we fell in -- you astride my lap on the seat of a stolen hoverbike, six sirens singin' backup and the edge of the Gorge a straight shot yonder."

"God, that was one hell of a ride. Stupid, but stupid hot."

"That's a fair summation of the early days of our acquaintance."

"Still does. Ain't even married yet and we're already squabblin' over who's gonna get the drop on widowhood. Can't imagine that's a good sign."

"You havin' second thoughts?"

"You wish. I'm not the one with the history of failin' to see shit through."

"Always saw through you just fine."

"You think so, huh?"

"I know so. Look at you. So white, you're damn near clear. --Ow."

"Jackass. So, how do you wanna do this? Don't suppose you'd be game these days for holdin' up a church."

"Don't suppose you could make it past the doors of one without burstin' into flames, anyway."

"Shame, though. Always thought a set of collection plates would make for some damned amusing wedding china. What, then? The Omnic Elvis package at a Vegas chapel? Or would the Willie Nelson experience be more to your liking?"

"Lady's choice."

"Oh, okay, because suddenly you're a gentleman like that."

"Well I _am_ marryin' a couple steps up the social ladder."

"Don't flatter yourself; it's way more than a couple."

" _Was,_ maybe, but your bounty's only five million more than mine. Practically chump change at that level."

"You got the chump part right."

"Hey, I ain't the one roughin' it in my choice of companion. If either of us is the chump, it's you."

"I must be, to wanna spend the rest of my life with your contrary rear end."

"Pot, kettle. ...But you _do_ want to?"

"Would I let this shit turn my skin green if I didn't?"

"Ain't gonna turn green. See, here? The outside of the band's copper, but the inside's stainless steel."

"Like an armor-piercing bullet."

"Two bullets, as a matter of fact. Got it made out of a couple shell casings from our first heist: one from the Viper, and one from the Peacekeeper."

"You been carryin' those around on you all these years?"

"Ain't like they took up much room."

"That ain't what I meant and you know it."

"Yeah, well. You kept the picture."

"What, the one of your ugly mug on the dartboard in the clubhouse?"

"The one on the bike, smartass. Reckon I know when you ripped it up, but what made you decide to tape it back together?"

"Well, if you _must_ know…"

"I must, I must."

"…it was B.O.B. He taped it back together."

"B.O.B.? Shit, should I be marryin' him instead?"

"Hardy fuckin' har har. Anyway… B.O.B. was built for me, you know. To look after me. He's served me since I was knee-high to a grasshopper; knows me better than I know myself, sometimes. Most times, probably. He hasn't always done what I want him to, but he's never done anything without my best interests at heart -- not my folks', not my reputation's, but _mine_ \-- and I guess he thought you qualified as such, or at least that whatever you made me feel, it was somethin' I needed to be feelin'. Even when it felt like hell. So I stuck the picture back on my bike and tried to trust that he wouldn't steer me wrong."

"I'll have to thank him, then. Guess he managed to wrangle me in the right direction, too, after a fashion."

"After you _stole_ that bike, you mean."

"And your dignity along with it, don't forget that part. --Ow."

"Jackass. If you think you're gettin' off scot-free for that, you got another thing comin'. I'm just bidin' my time, is all."

"Whatever you say, bunny rabbit."

"I hate that nickname. Makes me sound like some kinda lab animal."

"I've known a fair few lab animals, bun; trust me, you ain't one of 'em."

"Well still an' all. You're the one's missin' a lucky paw. What's this thing feel like, anyway?"

"Like…a half-numb hand in a thick glove. There's pressure sensors that work kinda like nerves, so I know when it's touchin' somethin' and when it's bein' touched, but everything I think I can feel with it's just…ghosts of what I've felt before. Learnin' how to work with it was like tryin' to remember somethin' I'd only ever read in a dream. Took me a while to work out its syntax, so to speak."

"Sounds kinda familiar."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Sounds kinda like whenever I tried to be with anyone who wasn't you. Only I never learned to…"

"Ashe…"

"...You, uh…you remember what _this_ feels like?"

"Mm-hmm..."

"And what about…this?"

"You know I do."

"And this?"

"…Liz…"

"One thing we've always had in common, you and me, is that we speak the same language..."

" _Elizabeth…_ "

"…share the same tongue...the same…smart…mouth…"

" _Mmh--_ "

"Heh… I see you still got that itchy trigger finger."

"And I didn't used to -- _hn_ \-- call you Scratch just 'cause you're foul-tempered as the Devil and twice as bitchy."

"Play your cards right, and I'll make you call me that again."

"That so?"

"Oh yeah."

"Ante up, then, little girl, 'cause I am _all in._ "

"Not yet, you ain't...but sugar, you will be."


End file.
